Why is it the girl that wants nothing more than to be in a relationship and happy with someone also the one person that refuses to let anyone in and as soon as she starts to really like someone does whatever she has to to push them away. I swear if pushing people away was an Olympic sport I would have a gold medal or 12.
Last night we went out for the USA game and in case anyone missed it WE WONNN! But really unless you live under a rock you probably already know that. Any way the game is not the point of this story… We met up with the boys after the game for some corn hole and beers. But because me and the bestie are on very tight budgets we each brought a pint of Jack into the bar… I got a little drunk whatever it happens we were celebrating. Well I was ready to go home, my knee was swollen and my stomach hurt. And que my meltdown… I wanted to drive because my car was there and i didn’t want anyone to think they had to be responsible for me. I seriously sat there and picked a huge fight about taking me home. of all the things in the world I could pick a fight about with Mr. Whitewater it was about him driving me the mile back to my apartment.
Any time I feel myself starting to have serious feelings for a guy I will start pushing them away it doesn’t matter how perfect they are and trust me Mr. White Water is pretty perfect. For christ sakes he was just trying to give his drunk girlfriend a fucking ride. I swear I wasn’t always like this. I use to fall so hard and do whatever it takes to make a relationship work but then I had my heart broken. Actually broken is an understatement it was beat, smashed, stomped on and then put in a meat grinder and then feed to a lion. Yep I think that better explains the feeling. and ever since then I look at relationships completely different. I don’t trust, I don’t talk, I don’t open up hell my walls are so high and so thick that the little wall breaker guy in Clash of Clans couldn’t break through! So in true Alex fashion I pushed him away. I was standing in my bed room yelling at him naked and than took the necklace off he gave me and threw it at him, his last words last night were “its girls like you that ruins it for the rest of us..” *door closes*
I don’t mind swallowing but swallowing my pride is a whole other thing… And lets be serious if I was him I wouldn’t forgive me either. He did call me an immature brat and a bitch to my best friend last night after my temper tantrum. Maybe I should just leave it like that let him continue to think that about me and let him find a girl that is able to do all the things that I still can’t or won’t let myself, I’m not sure which it is yet. Conclusion: i just pushed another perfectly amazing guy out the door because I don’t know how to be the girl I use to be and wear my heart on my sleeve anymore..