I don’t know why I’m blogging right now. I have no clue how to put what I am thinking and feeling into words. Y’all are used to me talking about some crazy sex or a date or a drunk night and here I am second post in a row venting about a break up.. I don’t even know if you can call this venting I think I am just rambling.
I miss him y’all I miss him so fucking much. I didn’t realize how much Mr. White water had gotten to me until he walked away. I never realized how much I needed or wanted him until this week. I never realized how much of the old me he had actually brought back. He inspired me and I didn’t even realize it until my ex girlfriend made a comment about me drawing again. I stopped drawing for the most part after her and I broke up. I didn’t even notice that after he came around I had started drawing again. Other people even notice a change in me. It is weird I was so scared of what I was feeling for him that I didn’t realize how much he was effecting me.
I was being selfish and scared and closed minded even about it because I figured he would do what everyone else did and hurt me. But he didn’t I hurt myself. I was the one that showed up hammered, I was the one that started the fight, I was the one that pushed him when he tried to stop me from driving, I was the one who raised my hand like I was going to hit him, I was the one with the sharp tongue that night. And he took he took it all and never yelled never hit me never did anything but tried to lay me down calm down and not do anything stupid. I’m not a violent person at all. I’ve been knocked around by two different people I know what it is like. I don’t blame being knocked around on my actions but ever since then I do get very defensive very fast even if I don’t have to be. He was never going to hit me I knew that. But I crossed that line I made a seriously fucking dumb mistake and crossed a major line.
He told me he wouldn’t get back with me. He said if this was a girlfriend of yours would you tell her to go back to a guy who did this to her…. the question caught me off guard. My answer was simply this isn’t the same thing. I didn’t show up planning to get violent at all and never in a million years have i ever thought about hitting him or wanting to. No I would not tell any girl to get back into an abusive relationship but this isn’t or well I guess wasn’t an abusive relationship. I wasn’t trying to hurt him I was trying to get away.
I’m not kidding y’all Mr. Whitewater was perfect it was like he stepped out of a movie. And I hate those movies because in my eyes no one is like that and it doesn’t happen like that. But I’m here to tell y’all first fucking hand… there are actually guys out there who are like that. And god dammit it you find one hold on for dear fucking life. They are few and far between but they are there. Im a fucking mess about losing him and we have literally only been hanging out for not even 2 months. I don’t want to eat all I do is sleep or cry and check my phone 10,000 times a day. How could one guy get to me so quick. I’m the girl that swore she would never fall like this again after I ended up heart broken a couple years ago. And then here comes Mr. Whitewater and as cheesy as it sound the guy swept me clear off my feet, I’m talking cloud 9 status. And all I did was fight him every step of the god damn way because I was self and scared.
Question of the year: how did I fuck up something so perfect?