It is amazing what a good long run can do for a girl’s thoughts. As you know I have spent the last week locked up in my room crying not eating not and not being social… basically I was in full on dumped mode minus the ice cream. For some reason on Monday though I decided I needed to get out and so I went for a very long run and this is what I realized…
1. I don’t need a guy to make me happy.
- Yes Mr. Whitewater made me so fucking happy all the time. I loved seeing his name pop up on my phone I loved finding random pictures he took on my phone I loved just being around him because I was always smiling and laughing. BUT I can make myself happy to by just getting back to the old me the one who liked to workout and be outside and draw and read and be spontaneous. The girl who could love unconditionally and didn’t have walls that were 1000 feet high. He reminded me how to be that girl again.
2. I am a strong independent woman.
- This whole past week I have felt so small so I don’t know useless maybe. I’m not sure what the right word is… but then I realized I’m not those things. I am human I make mistakes. I got drunk I made bad choices I got emotional it happens to all of us at some point. You know what though for being in my early 20s I’m not doing to bad. I was barely 21 when I moved to this city in a matter of two days and didn’t know a single person to take a job in corporate America that at the time I wasn’t sure I was even ready for. Now two years later I’ve been promoted, I’ve bought my first car, I pay all my own bills and I’m moving into a new condo. I’ve been knocked down so many times, I’ve been told some any times I wouldn’t make it and that my career was a joke and for slackers. Most of my friends moved home after college and still don’t have jobs and they are ok with still living off of their parents. Don’t get me wrong I know things happen and sometimes you have to move home for one reason or another and those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I thought I need validation from a guy but I don’t. I might not get a lot of things right but I live and I learn. It’s nice to have the support of someone and to have someone around to support but if I can’t do it for myself how can I do it for him..?
3. I don’t need to drink so much.
- No but for real my drinking as gotten way out of hand. I mean clearly look what I did to Mr. Whitewater… I would drink to be social or whatever but I would either be sober or blackout for some reason lately I keep skipping over the good drunk. It doesn’t help that when I’m nervous I tend to drink more so that I relax. And when I was with Mr. Whitewater a lot I would get nervous and well yea you saw how that ended. So I’m detoxing in a sense. I’m still going out and having fun just without the drinking which is a good thing because I’m back in the gym so hopefully soon I’ll have my old body back!! Reality check: You can have fun and not be hammered.
4. I need to do things for me and not for other people.
- I guess this is a combination of all three of the other ones. But I’ve noticed lately I’ve been doing things because I thought it would make other people happy. Don’t get me wrong I want to make other people happy but I have to do things for myself as well. I want to get back in the gym for me not some guy. At first I said I was going to stop drink because of Mr. Whitewater but then I realized I wanted to do it for me. I don’t like how I am when I’m blackout. Yes he was the reason I noticed it but I want to change for myself.
5. It is OK to ask for or admit that you need help.
- My biggest two fears in life are failing and not being good enough. I will admit I suck at asking for help and I hate doing it. But I’ve realized lately everyone needs help at some point and it doesn’t make you weak when you ask for help in retrospect I think it makes you stronger. I admitting that I was in the wrong and I admitted that I needed help. Yes I picked myself up and yes I know I’ll be ok but sometimes you need help picking yourself up. I thought it would be a knock to my pride or my ego and I guess to an extent it was but still I see now that it is ok. I am every much the girl that thinks if you can do it I can do it. And that is still true but sometimes doing it means asking for help and that is ok.
So what I have I learned in the past 10 days… That I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy, that it is ok to ask for help, that I need to be who I am not who someone else wants me to be, that I am strong than I thought I was and damn it I learned that it doesn’t matter how many times I get knocked down because I WILL stand back up and I will be ok!