Its been almost two months since I’ve written anything and trust me its not because things haven’t happened or because I haven’t been dating. Actually I really don’t know why I haven’t said anything maybe because once I write it that means its true or that I’m admitting that I’m a mess. Lets see where should I begin…
Its been months and I’m still not over Mr. Whitewater, even though he has moved on and is dating some girl with a kid. I only know this because people have told me. for whatever reason his friends like to update me with his life. I don’t know what it is about him or why I can’t just let it go but I can’t. He is a complete ass to me and wants nothing to do with me, he basically just pretends I don’t exist. We weren’t even together that long I should not still be upset or bothered by it. I don’t know if it is because it is this time of year or what but I hate how much he still crosses my mind and how much it still upsets me.
I have also been reminded recently that rebound guys suck ass. I guess it didn’t help that my rebound was one of Mr. Whitewater’s friends. I swear i didn’t do that to get back at him it just kind of happened. I ended when I realized he was a selfish two faced ass hole. Why do guys say anything and everything they can to hurt you? Why do they feel the need to bring up things you told them in private? And why is it as soon as it doesn’t work out with a guy do they start telling people that the reason it didn’t work out was because “you” were crazy?
UGH! I’m just so over guys and dating right now. I say that but in retrospect I want someone around, someone I can talk to about my day, someone to spoil… I want someone who makes me want to do better and be better and all that other cheesy bull shit. Yep thats right I, Alex, just admitted to wanting all of that. Mark this day in your calendars because the odds of my admitting this again are slim to none. I’m just going to use this post like my closure, once I hit publish thats it I’m done being sad about all of this. I need to get back to the old me and stop letting guys get to me like this, no guy is worth this many tears!
My nice new travels a lot for work which is fine because I work all the time but after having an amazing weekend with him last weekend this past weekend was not so amazing…
He was gone thursday-sunday and I did not receive one single text from him. I texted him friday and told him that Bentley (my dog) and I missed him and he didn’t say much back. And then saturday morning at 1:30 a.m. I get a drunken phone call asking about my weekend and that he wants to see me when he gets back sunday. I was really short with him on the phone because he has barely texted me and is calling me so late. He picks up on how annoyed I am and we end the call pretty quick. Sunday comes…no text.
Is it just me or how hard is it to send one little text saying your busy and that you will talk as soon as you can? It sounds likes to me that he needs to be schooled in a world without me in it. Good bye Mr. Nice guy! You treated me well but your communication efforts suck and I don’t have time for it! Am I being too hasty?
Oh well! I guess some free time just opened up for me and my All American bad boy!
I don’t know why I’m blogging right now. I have no clue how to put what I am thinking and feeling into words. Y’all are used to me talking about some crazy sex or a date or a drunk night and here I am second post in a row venting about a break up.. I don’t even know if you can call this venting I think I am just rambling.
I miss him y’all I miss him so fucking much. I didn’t realize how much Mr. White water had gotten to me until he walked away. I never realized how much I needed or wanted him until this week. I never realized how much of the old me he had actually brought back. He inspired me and I didn’t even realize it until my ex girlfriend made a comment about me drawing again. I stopped drawing for the most part after her and I broke up. I didn’t even notice that after he came around I had started drawing again. Other people even notice a change in me. It is weird I was so scared of what I was feeling for him that I didn’t realize how much he was effecting me.
I was being selfish and scared and closed minded even about it because I figured he would do what everyone else did and hurt me. But he didn’t I hurt myself. I was the one that showed up hammered, I was the one that started the fight, I was the one that pushed him when he tried to stop me from driving, I was the one who raised my hand like I was going to hit him, I was the one with the sharp tongue that night. And he took he took it all and never yelled never hit me never did anything but tried to lay me down calm down and not do anything stupid. I’m not a violent person at all. I’ve been knocked around by two different people I know what it is like. I don’t blame being knocked around on my actions but ever since then I do get very defensive very fast even if I don’t have to be. He was never going to hit me I knew that. But I crossed that line I made a seriously fucking dumb mistake and crossed a major line.
He told me he wouldn’t get back with me. He said if this was a girlfriend of yours would you tell her to go back to a guy who did this to her…. the question caught me off guard. My answer was simply this isn’t the same thing. I didn’t show up planning to get violent at all and never in a million years have i ever thought about hitting him or wanting to. No I would not tell any girl to get back into an abusive relationship but this isn’t or well I guess wasn’t an abusive relationship. I wasn’t trying to hurt him I was trying to get away.
I’m not kidding y’all Mr. Whitewater was perfect it was like he stepped out of a movie. And I hate those movies because in my eyes no one is like that and it doesn’t happen like that. But I’m here to tell y’all first fucking hand… there are actually guys out there who are like that. And god dammit it you find one hold on for dear fucking life. They are few and far between but they are there. Im a fucking mess about losing him and we have literally only been hanging out for not even 2 months. I don’t want to eat all I do is sleep or cry and check my phone 10,000 times a day. How could one guy get to me so quick. I’m the girl that swore she would never fall like this again after I ended up heart broken a couple years ago. And then here comes Mr. Whitewater and as cheesy as it sound the guy swept me clear off my feet, I’m talking cloud 9 status. And all I did was fight him every step of the god damn way because I was self and scared.
Question of the year: how did I fuck up something so perfect?
…End of rant/ramble
Work has been crazy so when my sweet new guy offered a night in I new I had to take it! Plus, I felt a little funny how things ended between us last time we hung out (as in my boss went crazy on me). So I come over and we are watching movies and just casually talking/catching up when he says “okay lets go lay down I’m tired.” I give him this confused look because he just assumed I was staying over and I haven’t really said how I was feeling. Pause.
I have been trying to figure out this conversation in my head because I have no clue what path this relationship is on. A couple of weeks ago he wanted to make us sexually exclusive so we did, but now I’m just wondering if this is ever going to go any where…am I wasting my time….etc…time to DTR.
So I said “Oh I’m sorry I’ll leave & let you get some rest.” He was completely caught off guard and could tell something was bothering me. He asked me what is wrong and why I’ve been acting weird, so I just came out with it!
“I need to know if what we have is going anywhere. I am not going to keep making myself exclusive to you if you are not doing the same and if this relationship isn’t going anywhere.”
He replies: “I am exclusive to you and am not looking to talk to anyone else nor do I want to. I am really focused on my career right now so I feel like I make you upset because I cannot give you the time and attention that your used to receiving. But I do like the direction this is taking us although I don’t know where it’s going to go. You don’t know where your job is going to take you in a few months and I don’t want to rush anything. And the worse thing you could do stay here because of me. I like you a lot and I want you to trust me, I am a good guy.”
Sooooo I am a happy I guess. All that coming from a guy who is deathly afraid of commitment and hasn’t had a girlfriend longer than 6 months..I’ll take it! But I guess he technically didn’t define the relationship? or did he?
Why is it the girl that wants nothing more than to be in a relationship and happy with someone also the one person that refuses to let anyone in and as soon as she starts to really like someone does whatever she has to to push them away. I swear if pushing people away was an Olympic sport I would have a gold medal or 12.
Last night we went out for the USA game and in case anyone missed it WE WONNN! But really unless you live under a rock you probably already know that. Any way the game is not the point of this story… We met up with the boys after the game for some corn hole and beers. But because me and the bestie are on very tight budgets we each brought a pint of Jack into the bar… I got a little drunk whatever it happens we were celebrating. Well I was ready to go home, my knee was swollen and my stomach hurt. And que my meltdown… I wanted to drive because my car was there and i didn’t want anyone to think they had to be responsible for me. I seriously sat there and picked a huge fight about taking me home. of all the things in the world I could pick a fight about with Mr. Whitewater it was about him driving me the mile back to my apartment.
Any time I feel myself starting to have serious feelings for a guy I will start pushing them away it doesn’t matter how perfect they are and trust me Mr. White Water is pretty perfect. For christ sakes he was just trying to give his drunk girlfriend a fucking ride. I swear I wasn’t always like this. I use to fall so hard and do whatever it takes to make a relationship work but then I had my heart broken. Actually broken is an understatement it was beat, smashed, stomped on and then put in a meat grinder and then feed to a lion. Yep I think that better explains the feeling. and ever since then I look at relationships completely different. I don’t trust, I don’t talk, I don’t open up hell my walls are so high and so thick that the little wall breaker guy in Clash of Clans couldn’t break through! So in true Alex fashion I pushed him away. I was standing in my bed room yelling at him naked and than took the necklace off he gave me and threw it at him, his last words last night were “its girls like you that ruins it for the rest of us..” *door closes*
I don’t mind swallowing but swallowing my pride is a whole other thing… And lets be serious if I was him I wouldn’t forgive me either. He did call me an immature brat and a bitch to my best friend last night after my temper tantrum. Maybe I should just leave it like that let him continue to think that about me and let him find a girl that is able to do all the things that I still can’t or won’t let myself, I’m not sure which it is yet. Conclusion: i just pushed another perfectly amazing guy out the door because I don’t know how to be the girl I use to be and wear my heart on my sleeve anymore..
I have been enjoying my time with my all american bad boy and my new guy that its been too good to be true lately. They both give me attention is different ways that I find to be truly fulfilling. Last night something not very good happened.
I decided it was time that my new guy meet one of my best friends and her husband. So we decided to get a 1/2 gallon of Jose and grill some steaks. My new guy is completely opposite of me, he is shy, laid-back, easy going, casual, and is always mannerly and polite. I consider myself to be a very outspoken, intense, forward person so I truly believe that opposites attract sometimes. Anyway we are all four laughing, drinking, eating and having a great time until my friend/boss shows up. He starts pound tequila and we decide to play a drinking game which doesn’t help because we are all pretty drunk at the point. My boss and I start bickering back and forth (thats how we communicate mostly) and then all of the sudden he starts to go off on me yelling at the top of his lungs. My girlfriend and I are flabbergasted, me especially because a man has never spoken to me in a way such as he is doing. Her husband steps in and gets him to go outside and try to make him realize he is wrong. My poor new guy who is “drama-free” is feeling awkward because he can’t decide whether to step in or do nothing because he doesn’t know anyone. I’m starting to cry and everything goes down hill. I’m embarrassed that my new guy has witnessed this…and I am also embarrassed because I have never been in a situation like this.
I go sit down with my new guy and he says: “I don’t know what to do, I stay drama free so I don’t know how to handle this.” Which of course makes me feel bad. So I dry my tears up and we go upstairs to her guest bedroom and go to sleep…
We walk into the guest room, he immediately starts tucking my hair behind my ear and starts kissing my neck. This feels too good. We start to strip each other down but I am noticing how aggressive he is being. Usually he makes very sensual, sweet, passionate sex and now its turned up ten notches. He is grabbing me and pulling me in every way he wants me. He pulls away from my mouth and tells me to get on my knees, (I actually love being submissive it’s so sexy to see a man in charge..) he pulls my head to his pelvic, and forces his self inside. I love this. I am doing exactly what he wants. He picks me up and with one thrusting motion I am on top. He firmed grabs my hips pushing me the motion he wants. That was only round one. After three round of intense sex I wake up the next morning to round 4. What a bad/great night.
We drive back to my apartment he leaves as I get ready for work. I start to dwell on the negatives of last night and send him a questioning text message..no response.
So I am seeing this new guy for over a month now and I am really happy! He is such a gentlemen, he yes mam/no mams me, opens all of my doors, take me out on dates twice a week, and wants to always know so much about me. He is the perfect guy to bring home to mom and dad butttttt except for the fact that this cute man has never been in a serious relationship. He is afraid of commitment but has on more than one occasion expressed interest in a relationship with me.
One of my best friends is leaving to move back to Canada so she came to see me for one last time! Her and I go for a great meal then meet up with Mr. Nice guy (thats his nickname) and his friends for some drinks and fun! We walk into this bar and we meet all of the friends and I notice him acting strange. But I just keep interacting with all of his friends and the shots start to flow. We are conversing with the table and I look at him because he is on his phone and he is “Tindering!” I am like what the hell why is he doing this in front of me..so rude! His friend notices him doing this and he pulls me aside and apologizes for me. “I’m sorry its our fault we got him hammered this afternoon.” I look over at him and finally realize how hammered he is. I guess I just didn’t pay too much attention to him to notice…but the Tinder thing still pissed me off.
Off we go to the next bar and the music is great so we head to the dance floor. He grabs me to dance and he is so hammered he can’t keep up! I hate when super drunk guys try to dance! Then he goes to the bathroom and none of us see him again for the rest of the night. He freaking disappeared. But I said fuck it because it was my best friends last night in town so we stayed and partied with his friends! Turned out to be an awesome night!!
The next day my friend and I are at the pool recapping our night and it is still bothering me that he was “Tindering” right in front of me! So I of course brought it up and
I said: “It really bothered me that you were sitting right beside me on Tinder last night. I don’t care if thats your thing but please have enough respect for me not to do it in front of me.”
He said: “Its not my thing, its just an app. I like you Blakely, and would like to get to know more about you. Sorry.”
So now this though pops in my head: what if he is sleeping with other girls? I seriously doubt it and my gut tells me definitely not but how do I ask this question without trying to sound like I am “DTR’ing?” (defining the relationship).