It is amazing what a good long run can do for a girl’s thoughts. As you know I have spent the last week locked up in my room crying not eating not and not being social… basically I was in full on dumped mode minus the ice cream. For some reason on Monday though I decided I needed to get out and so I went for a very long run and this is what I realized…
1. I don’t need a guy to make me happy.
- Yes Mr. Whitewater made me so fucking happy all the time. I loved seeing his name pop up on my phone I loved finding random pictures he took on my phone I loved just being around him because I was always smiling and laughing. BUT I can make myself happy to by just getting back to the old me the one who liked to workout and be outside and draw and read and be spontaneous. The girl who could love unconditionally and didn’t have walls that were 1000 feet high. He reminded me how to be that girl again.
2. I am a strong independent woman.
- This whole past week I have felt so small so I don’t know useless maybe. I’m not sure what the right word is… but then I realized I’m not those things. I am human I make mistakes. I got drunk I made bad choices I got emotional it happens to all of us at some point. You know what though for being in my early 20s I’m not doing to bad. I was barely 21 when I moved to this city in a matter of two days and didn’t know a single person to take a job in corporate America that at the time I wasn’t sure I was even ready for. Now two years later I’ve been promoted, I’ve bought my first car, I pay all my own bills and I’m moving into a new condo. I’ve been knocked down so many times, I’ve been told some any times I wouldn’t make it and that my career was a joke and for slackers. Most of my friends moved home after college and still don’t have jobs and they are ok with still living off of their parents. Don’t get me wrong I know things happen and sometimes you have to move home for one reason or another and those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I thought I need validation from a guy but I don’t. I might not get a lot of things right but I live and I learn. It’s nice to have the support of someone and to have someone around to support but if I can’t do it for myself how can I do it for him..?
3. I don’t need to drink so much.
- No but for real my drinking as gotten way out of hand. I mean clearly look what I did to Mr. Whitewater… I would drink to be social or whatever but I would either be sober or blackout for some reason lately I keep skipping over the good drunk. It doesn’t help that when I’m nervous I tend to drink more so that I relax. And when I was with Mr. Whitewater a lot I would get nervous and well yea you saw how that ended. So I’m detoxing in a sense. I’m still going out and having fun just without the drinking which is a good thing because I’m back in the gym so hopefully soon I’ll have my old body back!! Reality check: You can have fun and not be hammered.
4. I need to do things for me and not for other people.
- I guess this is a combination of all three of the other ones. But I’ve noticed lately I’ve been doing things because I thought it would make other people happy. Don’t get me wrong I want to make other people happy but I have to do things for myself as well. I want to get back in the gym for me not some guy. At first I said I was going to stop drink because of Mr. Whitewater but then I realized I wanted to do it for me. I don’t like how I am when I’m blackout. Yes he was the reason I noticed it but I want to change for myself.
5. It is OK to ask for or admit that you need help.
- My biggest two fears in life are failing and not being good enough. I will admit I suck at asking for help and I hate doing it. But I’ve realized lately everyone needs help at some point and it doesn’t make you weak when you ask for help in retrospect I think it makes you stronger. I admitting that I was in the wrong and I admitted that I needed help. Yes I picked myself up and yes I know I’ll be ok but sometimes you need help picking yourself up. I thought it would be a knock to my pride or my ego and I guess to an extent it was but still I see now that it is ok. I am every much the girl that thinks if you can do it I can do it. And that is still true but sometimes doing it means asking for help and that is ok.
So what I have I learned in the past 10 days… That I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy, that it is ok to ask for help, that I need to be who I am not who someone else wants me to be, that I am strong than I thought I was and damn it I learned that it doesn’t matter how many times I get knocked down because I WILL stand back up and I will be ok!
My nice new travels a lot for work which is fine because I work all the time but after having an amazing weekend with him last weekend this past weekend was not so amazing…
He was gone thursday-sunday and I did not receive one single text from him. I texted him friday and told him that Bentley (my dog) and I missed him and he didn’t say much back. And then saturday morning at 1:30 a.m. I get a drunken phone call asking about my weekend and that he wants to see me when he gets back sunday. I was really short with him on the phone because he has barely texted me and is calling me so late. He picks up on how annoyed I am and we end the call pretty quick. Sunday comes…no text.
Is it just me or how hard is it to send one little text saying your busy and that you will talk as soon as you can? It sounds likes to me that he needs to be schooled in a world without me in it. Good bye Mr. Nice guy! You treated me well but your communication efforts suck and I don’t have time for it! Am I being too hasty?
Oh well! I guess some free time just opened up for me and my All American bad boy!
I don’t know why I’m blogging right now. I have no clue how to put what I am thinking and feeling into words. Y’all are used to me talking about some crazy sex or a date or a drunk night and here I am second post in a row venting about a break up.. I don’t even know if you can call this venting I think I am just rambling.
I miss him y’all I miss him so fucking much. I didn’t realize how much Mr. White water had gotten to me until he walked away. I never realized how much I needed or wanted him until this week. I never realized how much of the old me he had actually brought back. He inspired me and I didn’t even realize it until my ex girlfriend made a comment about me drawing again. I stopped drawing for the most part after her and I broke up. I didn’t even notice that after he came around I had started drawing again. Other people even notice a change in me. It is weird I was so scared of what I was feeling for him that I didn’t realize how much he was effecting me.
I was being selfish and scared and closed minded even about it because I figured he would do what everyone else did and hurt me. But he didn’t I hurt myself. I was the one that showed up hammered, I was the one that started the fight, I was the one that pushed him when he tried to stop me from driving, I was the one who raised my hand like I was going to hit him, I was the one with the sharp tongue that night. And he took he took it all and never yelled never hit me never did anything but tried to lay me down calm down and not do anything stupid. I’m not a violent person at all. I’ve been knocked around by two different people I know what it is like. I don’t blame being knocked around on my actions but ever since then I do get very defensive very fast even if I don’t have to be. He was never going to hit me I knew that. But I crossed that line I made a seriously fucking dumb mistake and crossed a major line.
He told me he wouldn’t get back with me. He said if this was a girlfriend of yours would you tell her to go back to a guy who did this to her…. the question caught me off guard. My answer was simply this isn’t the same thing. I didn’t show up planning to get violent at all and never in a million years have i ever thought about hitting him or wanting to. No I would not tell any girl to get back into an abusive relationship but this isn’t or well I guess wasn’t an abusive relationship. I wasn’t trying to hurt him I was trying to get away.
I’m not kidding y’all Mr. Whitewater was perfect it was like he stepped out of a movie. And I hate those movies because in my eyes no one is like that and it doesn’t happen like that. But I’m here to tell y’all first fucking hand… there are actually guys out there who are like that. And god dammit it you find one hold on for dear fucking life. They are few and far between but they are there. Im a fucking mess about losing him and we have literally only been hanging out for not even 2 months. I don’t want to eat all I do is sleep or cry and check my phone 10,000 times a day. How could one guy get to me so quick. I’m the girl that swore she would never fall like this again after I ended up heart broken a couple years ago. And then here comes Mr. Whitewater and as cheesy as it sound the guy swept me clear off my feet, I’m talking cloud 9 status. And all I did was fight him every step of the god damn way because I was self and scared.
Question of the year: how did I fuck up something so perfect?
…End of rant/ramble
And just like that as fast as it started it is over. Mr. Whitewater ended things because I threw yet another drunken fit. Moral of the story I going to lay off from the drinking for a while…a longgggg while. Because the sad part is I never wanted to push him away I never anted things to end. He was perfect for me, he made me want to be a better person he pushed me outside of my comfort zone but most of all he made me feel safe and cared for, wanted…
This happened Sunday night after the soccer game and it has taken me four days to even try to write this. I didn’t go to work on Monday hell I didn’t even get out of bed. I’ve done nothing but cry and cry and cry. Everything in my apartment reminds me of him. My hoodie smells like his sunscreen, I can’t even look at some of my dresses because they make me think of the time he tried to literally rip my dress off of me during a lunch break hookup session. I haven’t stepped foot on my patio because the last time I was really out there he was so cute and gave me his necklace that suppose to protect you on water. It was so sweet the way he did it and it was the first time he had ever given his necklace to anyone. It is the smallest things right not that just completely undo me. I can’t even go into my pictures on my phone bc there are a bunch of him taking selfies and being dumb. All I can think about is all the things we did together, all the times he made me laugh, gave me butterflies. the time I got back from a trip and it had only been three days and when he opened the front door he just kissed me and I mean really kissed me. He didn’t say hi he just wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. Even though I wasn’t ready for it and had a mouthful of corn dog the kiss still made my knees go weak. and now, now he won’t see me he won’t speak to me, I know he is hurt but he is killing me.
I would give anything for him to forgive me, take me back and let me make it right….
Work has been crazy so when my sweet new guy offered a night in I new I had to take it! Plus, I felt a little funny how things ended between us last time we hung out (as in my boss went crazy on me). So I come over and we are watching movies and just casually talking/catching up when he says “okay lets go lay down I’m tired.” I give him this confused look because he just assumed I was staying over and I haven’t really said how I was feeling. Pause.
I have been trying to figure out this conversation in my head because I have no clue what path this relationship is on. A couple of weeks ago he wanted to make us sexually exclusive so we did, but now I’m just wondering if this is ever going to go any where…am I wasting my time….etc…time to DTR.
So I said “Oh I’m sorry I’ll leave & let you get some rest.” He was completely caught off guard and could tell something was bothering me. He asked me what is wrong and why I’ve been acting weird, so I just came out with it!
“I need to know if what we have is going anywhere. I am not going to keep making myself exclusive to you if you are not doing the same and if this relationship isn’t going anywhere.”
He replies: “I am exclusive to you and am not looking to talk to anyone else nor do I want to. I am really focused on my career right now so I feel like I make you upset because I cannot give you the time and attention that your used to receiving. But I do like the direction this is taking us although I don’t know where it’s going to go. You don’t know where your job is going to take you in a few months and I don’t want to rush anything. And the worse thing you could do stay here because of me. I like you a lot and I want you to trust me, I am a good guy.”
Sooooo I am a happy I guess. All that coming from a guy who is deathly afraid of commitment and hasn’t had a girlfriend longer than 6 months..I’ll take it! But I guess he technically didn’t define the relationship? or did he?
Ok two second update: I swallowed my pride and said I was sorry the other night. He (Mr.Whitewater) told me if I pulled something like that again he was done. He said if we were going to date then i needed to at least try and open up…. I agreed to try. Which leads me to the actually reason I’m writing this today…
Last night a bunch of us had a fire and were drinking and just hanging out. No big deal. We played some game called stump, which involves throwing a hammer up catching it and how ever you catch it is how you have to hold it when you try to hammer someone else’s nail into the stump. Drunk people should not play this game is all I’m saying lol. Anyway Mr. Whitewater had to be up really early this morning so at about midnight or so him and I leave the party. I’m drunk but not hammered just drunk and happy… and horny (go figure).Mind you we had just had sex a couple hours ago when I went home for lunch…
We get back to his place and I strip and just climb in bed, he got the hint. And it didn’t take long before we were having sex. Thats when he flips me on to my stomach, which normally I totally cool with getting it from behind. Next thing I know his hand is in that one place I said I would never let anything go… Naturally I tried to stand up I mean I kinda freaked can you blame it was the first time anyone had ever even tried that! he kept me pinned to the bed and managed to stay inside me the whole time. He whispers in my ear just relax… RELAX are you kidding me!? You are trying to put your finger in my ass and you want me to relax!!!! I give the guy credit though.. he actually got me to relax and next thing I know his finger is in me.
he was sweet about it though. I means sweet as a guy can be when he has his dick in you and his finger in your ass. He asked if I was ok if I wanted him to sot pro keep going. I’m not sure why I said I was fine and agree to let him try it with his dick but I did. Maybe it was alcohol maybe I was just curious maybe he he I trust him more than I realized but regardless of what it was I let him do the one thing I swore I would never let anyone do. Its and interesting feeling to say the least I’m not sure if I like it or not yet. Its different thats for sure. When we finished all I could say for a couple minutes was I feel like you just took my second virginity hahahaha.
Well I can cross another thing off my list I guess.
Why is it the girl that wants nothing more than to be in a relationship and happy with someone also the one person that refuses to let anyone in and as soon as she starts to really like someone does whatever she has to to push them away. I swear if pushing people away was an Olympic sport I would have a gold medal or 12.
Last night we went out for the USA game and in case anyone missed it WE WONNN! But really unless you live under a rock you probably already know that. Any way the game is not the point of this story… We met up with the boys after the game for some corn hole and beers. But because me and the bestie are on very tight budgets we each brought a pint of Jack into the bar… I got a little drunk whatever it happens we were celebrating. Well I was ready to go home, my knee was swollen and my stomach hurt. And que my meltdown… I wanted to drive because my car was there and i didn’t want anyone to think they had to be responsible for me. I seriously sat there and picked a huge fight about taking me home. of all the things in the world I could pick a fight about with Mr. Whitewater it was about him driving me the mile back to my apartment.
Any time I feel myself starting to have serious feelings for a guy I will start pushing them away it doesn’t matter how perfect they are and trust me Mr. White Water is pretty perfect. For christ sakes he was just trying to give his drunk girlfriend a fucking ride. I swear I wasn’t always like this. I use to fall so hard and do whatever it takes to make a relationship work but then I had my heart broken. Actually broken is an understatement it was beat, smashed, stomped on and then put in a meat grinder and then feed to a lion. Yep I think that better explains the feeling. and ever since then I look at relationships completely different. I don’t trust, I don’t talk, I don’t open up hell my walls are so high and so thick that the little wall breaker guy in Clash of Clans couldn’t break through! So in true Alex fashion I pushed him away. I was standing in my bed room yelling at him naked and than took the necklace off he gave me and threw it at him, his last words last night were “its girls like you that ruins it for the rest of us..” *door closes*
I don’t mind swallowing but swallowing my pride is a whole other thing… And lets be serious if I was him I wouldn’t forgive me either. He did call me an immature brat and a bitch to my best friend last night after my temper tantrum. Maybe I should just leave it like that let him continue to think that about me and let him find a girl that is able to do all the things that I still can’t or won’t let myself, I’m not sure which it is yet. Conclusion: i just pushed another perfectly amazing guy out the door because I don’t know how to be the girl I use to be and wear my heart on my sleeve anymore..