Welcome To My Life, It’s A First Class Hot Mess

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My life = a complete mess…

 

Friday night I went out for a going away party with friends of Mr. Whitewater. It was no big deal he wasn’t there and everyone had a goos time. Most of the night I spent with my best friend just sitting at the bar talking to people. For most of the time the one guy has his arm around my shoulder or on my back. I know him and he knows about Mr. Whitewater and everything else so I really didn’t think twice about it. Well later that night that guy starts texting me asking me to come over and blah blah blah I tell him no and let it go he was drunk. That same night we all go to the strip club and yes i am still with Mr. Whitewater’s friends my room mate and my best friend. Some of them had to work in the morning so I told them they could crash at my place bc it was close. We get back to my place and one of the guys gets in my bed… he has a girl friend I know her I like her he literally just got in my bed to sleep NOTHING HAPPENED!

Saturday night I went backpacking with let’s just call him the Teacher. He also is friends with Mr. Whitewater but I’ve been hanging out with him for a couple weeks now. He knows everything that happened between Mr. Whitewater and I. Anyway the Teacher and I go camping just the two of us. It was a great trip we talked we hung out we had text sex lol I have no complaints about how the weekend went. I get back last night and pass out around 630. By the time i wake up around 10 my room mate is home. I knew this was coming but I still wasn’t trying to have the conversation.

Next thing I know my room mate is lecturing me about everything that has happened in the past two weeks. “Alex what is it you want from guys?” “Don’t you realize what you are doing?” “Don’t you realize all these guys are connected?” “Why can’t you just be happy?” “Don’t you see something wrong with this?” Question after question after question… this goes on for almost 20 mins. Then he brings up the Teacher and goes I really don’t like him and you can do so much better than him but the cherry on top was when he said and I quote, “Don’t let him spend the night over here. I don’t care if you want to sleep at his place but I don’t want him here. If you didn’t like the girl I was seeing I wouldn’t bring her around and I expect the same respect.” WHAT THE FUCK?!? I let it go last night because i was tired of having this conversation. Now as I sit at work and think about it I ‘m super heated.

First of all he has no right to tell me who I can bring back to my own place. He has been there for two weeks and he doesn’t even pay rent, clean up or anything. but he thinks he can tell me who I can have spend the night based on the fact that he doesn’t like him. Umm no try again. This guy has had one girlfriend his entire life, he already admitted to not knowing what it is like to be in love or to get hurt. And he sure as hell has no idea what it is like to have someone tell you that you aren’t worth it. I get it I haven’t made some of the best decisions since Mr. Whitewater and I ended but he has no right to judge me. It would be one thing if I was fucking all these guys but I’m not. Honestly after all of this part of my wants to just end any and all relationships with anyone that knows my ex and just walk away from everything. I’m not blaming anyone I put myself in these situations but I definitely don’t need someone in my ear judging me about them.
alex

Between A Rock And A….Dick

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God it is almost comical how fast things change. Two months ago I’m a hot mess over a guy (Mr. Whitewater) who I thought was amazingly perfect for me only to find out he was a jackass who didn’t care how bad he hurt me. Now I’m over it for the most part, don’t get me wrong from time to time I still think about him and want to talk to him but I now see his true colors and I understand that he isn’t the guy I thought he was. And now we arrive at my newest boy problem…

When Mr. Whitewater and I broke up he said stay away from my friends. I did but its not my fault that we see them out and they invite us to do things and they come to the things we invite them too. No one is forcing his friends to hang out with me and my friends. Actually they have told me more then once they like hanging out with me more now that I’m not with him. One night a couple weeks ago we are at a house party with some of his friends from work and I’m sitting there talking to one of the guy, no big deal. Nothing happens I pass out a couple hours later. Every day since then I have talked to him. And not only talked to him but we have hung out and hooked up. At first I thought it was just a casual thing but I’m starting to think its more than that now.

Now we arrive at problem number two… I am currently let one of Mr. Whitewaters friends/co workers crash in my second bedroom. He told me he was staying in his car I couldn’t not offer him my spare room isn’t not like I use it. The guy is a great room mate seriously he is so much fun to have around and chill. We flirt and goof around but nothing has happened. I can tell he wants it to though. I’m going to have to have that talk with him about us just being room mates which is going to suck because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

So incase you are completely lost two guys that work with and are kind of friends with my ex are trying to get at me and I don’t know what to do!? One of them I’m kinda in to and one of them I just want as a really sweet room mate but both of them know my ex. And on top of all of that my ex is going around work and telling people things about me like that I’m hooking up with random ass people and shit. Why would Mr. White water even care what I am doing? he broke up with me, he told me I wasn’t worth it so why does he feel the need to go around running his mouth about me?

UGHHH I really don’t know how I managed to get myself into this situation and I feel like a horrible person for it 😦
alex

Kiss My Ass

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He isn’t even in my life anymore and Mr. Whitewater is still finding ways to make me miserable. Clearly telling me I wasn’t worth his time energy or feelings just wasn’t enough for him! How could I have been so blind?! he isn’t a fucking man he is a damn child! How could I have been so wrong about someone I thought was so perfect? He was never worth my tears that was for sure. I was willing to do anything to make what happened right, to earn his respect again, to make him happy and he had absolutely no problem trowing me to the curb like it was nothing. The son of the bitch still wears the $100 Hei Matau necklace I bought him though. He literally refused to be civil in any capacity even though we have to see each other and we have the same friends. Hell his friends (the ones he told thought I was crazy) still hangout with me, invite me place and talk to me all the time. They said the day after our big fight he came in telling anyone who would listen to him about it. That is not what he told me though, he told me a couple people saw a “bruise” and he only told them…. fucking liar. Lol he swore he wasn’t like other guys bhaha he swore he was different. But that was just another damn lie because as soon as things got hard he peaced out. I forgot though he is fucking perfect and never makes mistakes!

And guys wonder why girls have issues with them…

KISS MY FAKE TANNED ASS YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT!
alex

Lessons Learned

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It is amazing what a good long run can do for a girl’s thoughts. As you know I have spent the last week locked up in my room crying not eating not and not being social… basically I was in full on dumped mode minus the ice cream. For some reason on Monday though I decided I needed to get out and so I went for a very long run and this is what I realized…

1. I don’t need a guy to make me happy.

  • Yes Mr. Whitewater made me so fucking happy all the time. I loved seeing his name pop up on my phone I loved finding random pictures he took on my phone I loved just being around him because I was always smiling and laughing. BUT I can make myself happy to by just getting back to the old me the one who liked to workout and be outside and draw and read and be spontaneous. The girl who could love unconditionally and didn’t have walls that were 1000 feet high. He reminded me how to be that girl again.

2. I am a strong independent woman.

  • This whole past week I have felt so small so I don’t know useless maybe. I’m not sure what the right word is… but then I realized I’m not those things. I am human I make mistakes. I got drunk I made bad choices I got emotional it happens to all of us at some point. You know what though for being in my early 20s I’m not doing to bad. I was barely 21 when I moved to this city in a matter of two days and didn’t know a single person to take a job in corporate America that at the time I wasn’t sure I was even ready for. Now two years later I’ve been promoted, I’ve bought my first car, I pay all my own bills and I’m moving into a new condo. I’ve been knocked down so many times, I’ve been told some any times I wouldn’t make it and that my career was a joke and for slackers. Most of my friends moved home after college and still don’t have jobs and they are ok with still living off of their  parents. Don’t get me wrong I know things happen and sometimes you have to move home for one reason or another and those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I thought I need validation from a guy but I don’t. I might not get a lot of things right but I live and I learn. It’s nice to have the support of someone and to have someone around to support but if I can’t do it for myself how can I do it for him..?

3. I don’t need to drink so much.

  • No but for real my drinking as gotten way out of hand. I mean clearly look what I did to Mr. Whitewater… I would drink to be social or whatever but I would either be sober or blackout for some reason lately I keep skipping over the good drunk. It doesn’t help that when I’m nervous I tend to drink more so that I relax. And when I was with Mr. Whitewater a lot I would get nervous and well yea you saw how that ended. So I’m detoxing in a sense. I’m still going out and having fun just without the drinking which is a good thing because I’m back in the gym so hopefully soon I’ll have my old body back!! Reality check: You can have fun and not be hammered.

4. I need to do things for me and not for other people.

  • I guess this is a combination of all three of the other ones. But I’ve noticed lately I’ve been doing things because I thought it would make other people happy. Don’t get me wrong I want to make other people happy but I have to do things for myself as well. I want to get back in the gym for me not some guy. At first I said I was going to stop drink because of Mr. Whitewater but then I realized I wanted to do it for me. I don’t like how I am when I’m blackout. Yes he was the reason I noticed it but I want to change for myself.

5. It is OK to ask for or admit that you need help.

  • My biggest two fears in life are failing and not being good enough. I will admit I suck at asking for help and I hate doing it. But I’ve realized lately everyone needs help at some point and it doesn’t make you weak when you ask for help in retrospect I think it makes you stronger. I admitting that I was in the wrong and I admitted that I needed help. Yes I picked myself up and yes I know I’ll be ok but sometimes you need help picking yourself up. I thought it would be a knock to my pride or my ego and I guess to an extent it was but still I see now that it is ok. I am every much the girl that thinks if you can do it I can do it. And that is still true but sometimes doing it means asking for help and that is ok.

So what I have I learned in the past 10 days… That I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy, that it is ok to ask for help, that I need to be who I am not who someone else wants me to be, that I am strong than I thought I was and damn it I learned that it doesn’t matter how many times I get knocked down because I WILL stand back up and I will be ok!
alex

 

Ballsy Move

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The other day I was at a conference in Uptown Charlotte (yes we really call our “downtown” uptown) and I had to be there early to help set up and do names tags. Once all that is done we go in and take our seats. No kidding 5 mins later a good work friend of mine are “going to the bathroom”. In all reality we were walking across the street to Connelly’s Irish Pub. The presentations were going to be boring anyway so why not go to the bar and sneak back in during the reception!

We are sitting on the patio talking and drinking when all of a sudden there is a guy beside me introducing himself. He says his name and goes I’d really like to take you to lunch sometime text me and put its business card down in front of me. He then turn and walks out of the bar with his friends. It happened so fast I swear I had the most confused look on my face. A. because that stuff never happens to me and B. because he did that and than actually left the bar. I couldn’t even really tell you what he looked like, he looked tall but then again I was sitting down and I think he had dirty blonde hair. Other than that I’ve got nothing but the info on his card. (he has a good job)

I did end up texting him the next day just to kind of feel it out and to be honest he is kinda boring. Plus he put )))) in every single message and I don’t understand why he just won’t use punctuation! After a few glasses of wine last night I asked him about the ))) he said it was like smiley faces so logically my next two responses were 1. where are the eyes? 2. if there are a lot of )))) does that mean a bigger smile? He tells me he doesn’t know because he has never put so much thought into and that its just a way to show emotion in text… BITCH THAT’S WHAT EMOJIS ARE FOR!! At this point I seriously doubt I will actually go meet him but hey I give him credit for doing what he did at the bar.

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alex

 

Playing With Fire

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Saying I’m play with fire might be an understatement… In the past 72 hours I feel like my dating life spiraled out of control.

RECAP:

1. Mr. Off Limits and I no longer have to sneak around and its so different to see him with this I don’t care who see’s us attitude
2. I got obliterated Sunday off of Whiskey and poured my heart out to an ex, and now they want me to come see them this weekend (we live in different states)
3. Mr. Bad News hit on me in front of his ex girlfriend who I know for a fact still has feelings for him and calls him “the one”

Ok so the third one isn’t really that important it just threw me off. The first two though have my head spinning. So I’m going to make kind of pros and cons list..

Mr. Off Limits (still haven’t thought of a new name): Not really my type looks wise but I love his personality. I love that I can just be myself with him. He doesn’t care if I’m rocking sweats and sports bra with no make up or if I’m dressed to the nines and hitting the town with girls. He always has me laughing and he  keeps interested which is hard to do because I get bored with guys fast. He is older than me which is nice. He never gets mad at me for being young or immature. Like he wasn’t even the least bit mad about how drunk I was Sunday he came and picked me up and take me home and took care of me. He never cares when I’m out and I blow his shit up (yes I’m that girl sometimes). He talks shit with me and doesn’t always let me win which wins you major point with me. The sex is amazing. He had me figured out pretty quick and he even knows some of the weird things like in bed and he does them. He has no problem slamming into a wall, catching me off guard and going at it right there but he can also be sweet about it. An the fact that we don’t have to sneak around his room mate anymore is great. Last night we went down to his place while his room mate was still up, talked with them for a little while and then went to his room and fucked while they were in the living room. He hasn’t done that in the 4 months we have been doing whatever it is we are doing. I was shocked to say the least! This morning he snoozes his alarm rolls over, starts kissing my shoulders which leads to some great morning sex. A girl can’t really complain…

The ex: I guess I should start out by telling you this ex of mine is a girl… so theres that. She isn’t really my type when it comes to looks either and everyone tells me that when they see old pictures of us. But again her personality wins me over. I can’t help but smile when I’m with her. She is everything I have ever wanted in  a person and relationship. I compare everyone to her. I know I love her I always will love her. But I’m not sure it can work because we are in two different places in our lives. She wants to settle down get a place with someone a dog, she doesn’t like to go out and it drives her nuts that I go out. And we live in different states so one of us is going to have to give up everything and that someone is me. She wants me to come see her this weekend but I’m not sure it is a good idea because I know if I see her my heart will melt and I’ll be putty. She can still do that to me after all theses years and all our fights and trust me I could start a blog on just the roller coaster ride that was our relationship. She is a great girl, motivated, loving, caring, accepting… she inspires me to be a better person honestly. But I’m afraid we have to much of a past to wipe the slate clean.

My ex has no idea that I’ve been kinda seeing Mr. Off Limits for a couple months and if she found out she would never speak to me again. It would break her if she knew. I’m not trying to destroy her I swear. I don’t know what to do I kind of want to see where things with Mr. Off Limits will go (even though everyone Blakley included says I can do better than him). But to do that I’m going to have to break the heart of the one person who has loved me and been there for me through some of the hardest times. Thank you Jack Daniels for helping into this mess that I have no clue how to get out off. When you play with fire someone always gets burned… always

END OF VENT…
alex

What a Girl’s Outfit at the Bar Says About Her

What a Girl’s Outfit at the Bar Says About Her.

by Ariana Basseri on February 20, 2014

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This is the definition of judging a book by its cover, so hear me out.

I’ve worn all these ensembles and had the correlating personas to back it up. As a girl, you can be the babe looking like you belongs at “da club” on Friday and be dressed like a kindergarten teacher Saturday. It all goes back to when you were rifling through your closet earlier that night.

Here is a guide to help you read how she’s feeling- all based on what she left her pregame wearing.

Skin-Tight American Apparel

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What It Means: I’m a confident badass. I’ve worked my ass off at the gym and resisted Chipotle for the last forty-eight hours. I’m going to be a lightweight tonight because I ate a piece of toast for dinner six hours ago. You can see when I inhale and I have nothing to hide. If I’m wearing underwear, it’s hiked up to my waist and I literally look like a silhouette of my naked self. You have a good chance to later discover my stick-on bra if I don’t leave the bar early to eat some street meat.

Cultural reference: 2007 Paris Hilton

Flowy top over jeans with major cleavage

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What It Means:  I have my period. I’d like to distract from the 5 pounds of water weight being distributed randomly on my body by showing major chest action. I’m overcompensating with heavy makeup and my highest heels. I probably cried earlier that day about an incorrect sandwich order, so please be sensitive. You won’t completely score with me tonight, but you’ll get me at my best breasts.

Cultural reference: Mindy Lahiri from The Mindy Project

Hipster – Dark

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What It Means:  I’m bored and DGAF chic. I’m wearing a floppy hat, thick-rimmed glasses and caplet thing. My hair may also be in a high bun. I think I’m too good for this shit. I’m going to talk authors, gallery openings and the most expensive fair-trade coffee I’ve ever had to scare you off. I will completely lose interest in you unless you pull up a seat and offer me your American Spirits. Negative points for Camel Crushes, who do you think I am?

Cultural reference: Daria (Daria. Obvi.)

Hipster- Light

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What It Means: I’m high. I’m wearing a loose ethereal flowing dress with sandals. I’d love to talk about the energy of this place and drink your beer without permission. I will say yes to join you on the d-floor and tell you 100% more than you ever wanted to know about your zodiac sign. I’d love to leave this place to go meet your bong named Klaus.

Cultural reference: Jessa from Girls

Daytime Outfit

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What It Means:  I was pressured into this. I have no fucks to give. My shirt is some cotton blend and I’ve been wearing it since breakfast. My friends forced me to leave my apartment and I have a cab waiting for me outside. I can be swayed to have a good time but my un-styled ponytail and faded makeup is cramping my confidence. I won’t believe your compliments so don’t try. Actually, just don’t try at all.

Cultural reference: Lindsay Lohan

Future Politician’s Wife

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What It Means:  I’m secret sexy. I’m all done up and my hair is perfectly quaffed. Don’t take my high neckline and pearls as a deterrent. You think I’m going to be no fun, and you are so wrong. Even drunk I keep total composure through the night and never skip a beat when whipping out that sorority pose for pictures. I’ll take you up on your drink offer and will eventually unleash my wild side if you are worthy. I’m your librarian/secretary fantasy realized.

Cultural reference: Claire Underwood (House of Cards)

Basic Bitch

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What It Means:  It’s not a bad thing. I>’m on point with the rest of the female population in here. My outfit can be summed up as “cute!!” I’m wearing jeans or a bandage skirt, party top and heels. So are all my friends. This is an average night out and I can see it going anywhere. After all, I can easily pull this outfit off tomorrow morning at Starbucks with little judgment from thebaristas.

Cultural reference: Anyone ever cast as “hot club girl.”

Top pic via The Chive

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