Kiss My Ass

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He isn’t even in my life anymore and Mr. Whitewater is still finding ways to make me miserable. Clearly telling me I wasn’t worth his time energy or feelings just wasn’t enough for him! How could I have been so blind?! he isn’t a fucking man he is a damn child! How could I have been so wrong about someone I thought was so perfect? He was never worth my tears that was for sure. I was willing to do anything to make what happened right, to earn his respect again, to make him happy and he had absolutely no problem trowing me to the curb like it was nothing. The son of the bitch still wears the $100 Hei Matau necklace I bought him though. He literally refused to be civil in any capacity even though we have to see each other and we have the same friends. Hell his friends (the ones he told thought I was crazy) still hangout with me, invite me place and talk to me all the time. They said the day after our big fight he came in telling anyone who would listen to him about it. That is not what he told me though, he told me a couple people saw a “bruise” and he only told them…. fucking liar. Lol he swore he wasn’t like other guys bhaha he swore he was different. But that was just another damn lie because as soon as things got hard he peaced out. I forgot though he is fucking perfect and never makes mistakes!

And guys wonder why girls have issues with them…

KISS MY FAKE TANNED ASS YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT!
alex

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The One Night Stand

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I know this is going to sound shocking but i have never had one. Yes you read that right, I Alex have never had a one night stand… everyone I’ve hooked up with I have been dating or had feelings for. I have never just taken a random guy home from a bar or where ever, slept with him and never spoken to him again.

But apparently its something every girl should do once… or so my friends say. All this stuff with Mr. Whitewater has really fucked with my head (I’ll tell you about that tomorrow) that I am actually considering doing this. I think, maybe, I don’t know. Something about sleeping with a random guy just for the hell of it doesn’t sound like fun to me. What the fuck are you suppose to do in the morning lol?! What if its awkward? What if he is super small? What if he can’t kiss? Oh man lol the number of things that can go wrong seem endless. If someone could please explain to me what is so great about one night stands I am all ears but I think for right now I’m just going to stick with my vibrator until I find someone I want to date.
alex

Ballsy Move

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The other day I was at a conference in Uptown Charlotte (yes we really call our “downtown” uptown) and I had to be there early to help set up and do names tags. Once all that is done we go in and take our seats. No kidding 5 mins later a good work friend of mine are “going to the bathroom”. In all reality we were walking across the street to Connelly’s Irish Pub. The presentations were going to be boring anyway so why not go to the bar and sneak back in during the reception!

We are sitting on the patio talking and drinking when all of a sudden there is a guy beside me introducing himself. He says his name and goes I’d really like to take you to lunch sometime text me and put its business card down in front of me. He then turn and walks out of the bar with his friends. It happened so fast I swear I had the most confused look on my face. A. because that stuff never happens to me and B. because he did that and than actually left the bar. I couldn’t even really tell you what he looked like, he looked tall but then again I was sitting down and I think he had dirty blonde hair. Other than that I’ve got nothing but the info on his card. (he has a good job)

I did end up texting him the next day just to kind of feel it out and to be honest he is kinda boring. Plus he put )))) in every single message and I don’t understand why he just won’t use punctuation! After a few glasses of wine last night I asked him about the ))) he said it was like smiley faces so logically my next two responses were 1. where are the eyes? 2. if there are a lot of )))) does that mean a bigger smile? He tells me he doesn’t know because he has never put so much thought into and that its just a way to show emotion in text… BITCH THAT’S WHAT EMOJIS ARE FOR!! At this point I seriously doubt I will actually go meet him but hey I give him credit for doing what he did at the bar.

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alex

 

Double Jack and Diets

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So after an epic Saturday night with great friends there is nothing better than a good sunday funday. Our Sunday Funday started out innocently enough brunch and a couple bloody marys some how turned into double jack and diets. Now there are a couple reason I don’t normally drink whiskey; 1. I get emotional 2. I get super hammered. Both of these things happened this sunday.

After a couple jacks I felt the need to call my ex and pour out my feelings. Mine you we had probably one of the worst break ups of my life. We dated for the better part of 3 years, broke up for a year and this past year tried it again but I just couldn’t ever get my shit together to make it work. We are in two different parts of our lives. The only problem is I’m still and always will be head over heels in love with them. Sober I would never admit this but sunday I did. I sat outside the bar crying and telling them I loved them and missed them…. classy I know. Thankfully I have a good friend who decided it was time to take my phone away. Thank god for sunglasses I put them back on and went back to my friends like nothing had happened.

When I get back to the table though guess who is sitting there…. Mr. Bad News from months ago!! I haven’t seen him since Halloween night when I was dressed like Tom Cruise from Risky Business and we fucked all over his house. I’m talking crazy drunk sex all over his house. So crazy I managed to lose my silver Michael Kors watch somewhere. For moths I have been asking for it back and he never had time to meet me with it. Of course he doesn’t have time to see me after I tell him I ‘m not going to hook up with him anymore…. Typical guy. And to add insult to injury one of my friends (the one who slept with Mr. Off Limits’s room mate saturday night) and Mr. Bad News use to have a pretty serious thing about a year ago and she to this day doesn’t know him and I hooked up this fall. Yep I’m a horrible friend I know! In my defense thats why I called it off after Halloween because he didn’t tell her.

Ok so if you are completely confused I’m sorry let me try to recap… I’m hammered off whiskey with a group of friends, I’ve poured my heart out to my ex and now an ex fling is sitting at our table with his ex girlfriend/best friend who knows nothing about our said fling…

I go give him a hug and say hi and he hugs me back and hands me my watch! I go back to my side of the table and sit down and I’m sitting diagonal from him. I look up a couple times and he winks at me not once but several times, WTF. Even my friend to my right saw him do it. Dude your girl and my friend are sitting next to you!! I ignore him and then I check my phone because Mr. Off Limits is coming to pick me up and I had a text from Mr. Bad News had texted me saying he was jealous of the guy picking me up! Now I’m seriously fucking confused! Mr. Bad news hasn’t talked to me in months and the first time I see him he pulls this shit! Thankfully Mr. Off Limits showed up a few mins later to take my hammered ass home. And thats pretty much my last full memory sunday the next thing I know its 7am and I’m waking up in Mr. Off Limits bed (fully dressed). Talk about one hell of a Sunday Funday

I guess I should come up with a new name for him now because he isn’t so Off Limits anymore.
alex

What a Girl’s Outfit at the Bar Says About Her

What a Girl’s Outfit at the Bar Says About Her.

by Ariana Basseri on February 20, 2014

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This is the definition of judging a book by its cover, so hear me out.

I’ve worn all these ensembles and had the correlating personas to back it up. As a girl, you can be the babe looking like you belongs at “da club” on Friday and be dressed like a kindergarten teacher Saturday. It all goes back to when you were rifling through your closet earlier that night.

Here is a guide to help you read how she’s feeling- all based on what she left her pregame wearing.

Skin-Tight American Apparel

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What It Means: I’m a confident badass. I’ve worked my ass off at the gym and resisted Chipotle for the last forty-eight hours. I’m going to be a lightweight tonight because I ate a piece of toast for dinner six hours ago. You can see when I inhale and I have nothing to hide. If I’m wearing underwear, it’s hiked up to my waist and I literally look like a silhouette of my naked self. You have a good chance to later discover my stick-on bra if I don’t leave the bar early to eat some street meat.

Cultural reference: 2007 Paris Hilton

Flowy top over jeans with major cleavage

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What It Means:  I have my period. I’d like to distract from the 5 pounds of water weight being distributed randomly on my body by showing major chest action. I’m overcompensating with heavy makeup and my highest heels. I probably cried earlier that day about an incorrect sandwich order, so please be sensitive. You won’t completely score with me tonight, but you’ll get me at my best breasts.

Cultural reference: Mindy Lahiri from The Mindy Project

Hipster – Dark

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What It Means:  I’m bored and DGAF chic. I’m wearing a floppy hat, thick-rimmed glasses and caplet thing. My hair may also be in a high bun. I think I’m too good for this shit. I’m going to talk authors, gallery openings and the most expensive fair-trade coffee I’ve ever had to scare you off. I will completely lose interest in you unless you pull up a seat and offer me your American Spirits. Negative points for Camel Crushes, who do you think I am?

Cultural reference: Daria (Daria. Obvi.)

Hipster- Light

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What It Means: I’m high. I’m wearing a loose ethereal flowing dress with sandals. I’d love to talk about the energy of this place and drink your beer without permission. I will say yes to join you on the d-floor and tell you 100% more than you ever wanted to know about your zodiac sign. I’d love to leave this place to go meet your bong named Klaus.

Cultural reference: Jessa from Girls

Daytime Outfit

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What It Means:  I was pressured into this. I have no fucks to give. My shirt is some cotton blend and I’ve been wearing it since breakfast. My friends forced me to leave my apartment and I have a cab waiting for me outside. I can be swayed to have a good time but my un-styled ponytail and faded makeup is cramping my confidence. I won’t believe your compliments so don’t try. Actually, just don’t try at all.

Cultural reference: Lindsay Lohan

Future Politician’s Wife

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What It Means:  I’m secret sexy. I’m all done up and my hair is perfectly quaffed. Don’t take my high neckline and pearls as a deterrent. You think I’m going to be no fun, and you are so wrong. Even drunk I keep total composure through the night and never skip a beat when whipping out that sorority pose for pictures. I’ll take you up on your drink offer and will eventually unleash my wild side if you are worthy. I’m your librarian/secretary fantasy realized.

Cultural reference: Claire Underwood (House of Cards)

Basic Bitch

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What It Means:  It’s not a bad thing. I>’m on point with the rest of the female population in here. My outfit can be summed up as “cute!!” I’m wearing jeans or a bandage skirt, party top and heels. So are all my friends. This is an average night out and I can see it going anywhere. After all, I can easily pull this outfit off tomorrow morning at Starbucks with little judgment from thebaristas.

Cultural reference: Anyone ever cast as “hot club girl.”

Top pic via The Chive

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Monday Memories: The Chef

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JULY 4Th 2013: THE CHEF
I was visiting my grandparents for the week and that night we went to their country club for dinner. It was the 4th of July so I had on a white lace backless dress, royal blue heels and red jewelry. My grandmother told me I was going to turn heads in that night and I didn’t really believe her because the only people that were there were old people. I did turn a head though and that head was the head of a master chef. He really is one of the 60 something certified master chefs in the country. We got to talking and he remembered me from a very embarrassing whip cream moment a couple years ago. As we are going to leave he stops me and hands me his business card with his number and a note that said, “you have one of the most beautiful smiles I’ve ever seen.” Yes it was cheesy but it was also kind of sweet. I was suppose to fly back to charlotte that next morning but the chef convinced me to stay an extra day and let him take me on a date.

THE DATE
I don’t know why I was so nervous but I was. He showed up to my grandparents house in a long sleeve shirt., mind you it was 90 degrees outside. When we got in the car I realized why, as soon as we were out of view he pulled his shirt off and revealed a quarter and half sleeve. Oh do I have a thing for tattoos. We drive into St. Augustine to a sushi place and he asked me if I had ever had saki and I hadn’t so he orders us a bottle. He then asked me if I trusted him enough to just let him order for me, I said I did. Dinner was amazing I couldn’t even tell you why kind of sushi he ordered but between the sushi and the four bottles of saki I was feeling pretty good. We left the sushi place and went to a martini bar, a couple of dirty martinis later it pretty safe to say that I was drunk and starting to get really horny. On the way home we tried and failed to break into a light house and decided that going to the beach was a better idea anyway.

THE BEACH
Little did I know he was prepared for everything I guess! We get to the beach and he opens the back of the car to reveal a couple blankets a a cooler with some Jameson. I’m sure you can guess what ended up happening but I’ll tell you anyway… We laid on the beach talking and drinking and kind of out of no where he kissed me, slow at first and then harder. Next thing I know I’m on my back and he is on top of me we still have most of our clothes on but his hands were all over me. Right as things are starting to get hot the tide catches us and we end up soaked! Talk about a mood killer lol. Its about 2 in the morning now and of course he couldn’t talk me home wet covered in sand 😉

HIS HOUSE
It gets a little fuzzy here… He gets out of the car to unlock the door I think and I was feeling a little brave so I stripped down to my bra and thong before getting out of the car. I get out and walk up right as he is going in the door. All I said was ok I’m ready for a shower. The look was his face was priceless, I loved that I had caught him so off guard. We showered… Together. After the shower we got in bed and I’m not sure if I told him or if he was just guessing but he whips out some restraints and my hands end up locked together above my head. Any guy that will take control of my in the bad has my attention! I wanted it and he gave it to me for the rest of the night. I really don’t think there was one position we didn’t try and I know I got off multiple times. Needless to say I didn’t get home until after 6am and had to catch a flight at 11 out of Orlando.

It was a pretty good first date so I kept the Chef around for a couple months and the sex honestly got hotter, dirtier and better every time…
alex

Here’s to the past

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Breakups can literally make you or break you. When you think about it you go into a relationship and in the end you are either going to marry that person or you are going to break up. Thats a warm and fuzzy feeling I know. Breakup suck and they are hard and they hurt, trust me I know I just (and still am) going back and forth with my ex. Yes we are done but we still fight and yell like we are together, why I have no idea! But last night we had a particularly mean yelling match (over text we live in different states) and it got me thinking. I could either lay here and continue to cry over the horrible things that were said or I can make the best out of this.

Ladies we have a bad habit of going into a “hole” when we are dumped and you can sit there all you want and say thats not you but you know at least once you’ve done it. You can get online and literally find 100 of article on the steps of healing, getting through a breakup, how to get over him blah blah blah. You can read that all you want but until YOU decide you want to get over and pull yourself out of the bed, shower and look like a real person none of that shit you read is going to matter. I thought about calling into work this morning after last night but what good does it do for me to lay there and keep reading the messages over and over again. This person and I have been dating on and off for 5 years, they know everything about me and they through everything they could in my face last night. It hurt. But this morning I got up I showered did my hair and makeup and came to the office.

The guys only win when they know they have gotten to you. So ladies put on you favorite pair of heels, throw your shoulders back and hold your head. Yes its still going to hurt but if you’re going to hurt at least look hot doing it (just kidding, kinda). If he tells you he still wants to be friends, honestly tell him no. At the end of the day it is just going to make it harder for you to get over him and he will probably still try to sleep with you. Even if the sex is amazing don’t do it, show him what he is missing by not being at his every beck and call.

Don’t let a break up break you, trust me from personally experience I can tell you its not worth it. Call your girls get a couple bottles of wine and have a girls night, it will do wonders for you! So here’s to the past for making us better, smarter, and stronger women then we were yesterday!
alex