My life = a complete mess…
Friday night I went out for a going away party with friends of Mr. Whitewater. It was no big deal he wasn’t there and everyone had a goos time. Most of the night I spent with my best friend just sitting at the bar talking to people. For most of the time the one guy has his arm around my shoulder or on my back. I know him and he knows about Mr. Whitewater and everything else so I really didn’t think twice about it. Well later that night that guy starts texting me asking me to come over and blah blah blah I tell him no and let it go he was drunk. That same night we all go to the strip club and yes i am still with Mr. Whitewater’s friends my room mate and my best friend. Some of them had to work in the morning so I told them they could crash at my place bc it was close. We get back to my place and one of the guys gets in my bed… he has a girl friend I know her I like her he literally just got in my bed to sleep NOTHING HAPPENED!
Saturday night I went backpacking with let’s just call him the Teacher. He also is friends with Mr. Whitewater but I’ve been hanging out with him for a couple weeks now. He knows everything that happened between Mr. Whitewater and I. Anyway the Teacher and I go camping just the two of us. It was a great trip we talked we hung out we had text sex lol I have no complaints about how the weekend went. I get back last night and pass out around 630. By the time i wake up around 10 my room mate is home. I knew this was coming but I still wasn’t trying to have the conversation.
Next thing I know my room mate is lecturing me about everything that has happened in the past two weeks. “Alex what is it you want from guys?” “Don’t you realize what you are doing?” “Don’t you realize all these guys are connected?” “Why can’t you just be happy?” “Don’t you see something wrong with this?” Question after question after question… this goes on for almost 20 mins. Then he brings up the Teacher and goes I really don’t like him and you can do so much better than him but the cherry on top was when he said and I quote, “Don’t let him spend the night over here. I don’t care if you want to sleep at his place but I don’t want him here. If you didn’t like the girl I was seeing I wouldn’t bring her around and I expect the same respect.” WHAT THE FUCK?!? I let it go last night because i was tired of having this conversation. Now as I sit at work and think about it I ‘m super heated.
First of all he has no right to tell me who I can bring back to my own place. He has been there for two weeks and he doesn’t even pay rent, clean up or anything. but he thinks he can tell me who I can have spend the night based on the fact that he doesn’t like him. Umm no try again. This guy has had one girlfriend his entire life, he already admitted to not knowing what it is like to be in love or to get hurt. And he sure as hell has no idea what it is like to have someone tell you that you aren’t worth it. I get it I haven’t made some of the best decisions since Mr. Whitewater and I ended but he has no right to judge me. It would be one thing if I was fucking all these guys but I’m not. Honestly after all of this part of my wants to just end any and all relationships with anyone that knows my ex and just walk away from everything. I’m not blaming anyone I put myself in these situations but I definitely don’t need someone in my ear judging me about them.
God it is almost comical how fast things change. Two months ago I’m a hot mess over a guy (Mr. Whitewater) who I thought was amazingly perfect for me only to find out he was a jackass who didn’t care how bad he hurt me. Now I’m over it for the most part, don’t get me wrong from time to time I still think about him and want to talk to him but I now see his true colors and I understand that he isn’t the guy I thought he was. And now we arrive at my newest boy problem…
When Mr. Whitewater and I broke up he said stay away from my friends. I did but its not my fault that we see them out and they invite us to do things and they come to the things we invite them too. No one is forcing his friends to hang out with me and my friends. Actually they have told me more then once they like hanging out with me more now that I’m not with him. One night a couple weeks ago we are at a house party with some of his friends from work and I’m sitting there talking to one of the guy, no big deal. Nothing happens I pass out a couple hours later. Every day since then I have talked to him. And not only talked to him but we have hung out and hooked up. At first I thought it was just a casual thing but I’m starting to think its more than that now.
Now we arrive at problem number two… I am currently let one of Mr. Whitewaters friends/co workers crash in my second bedroom. He told me he was staying in his car I couldn’t not offer him my spare room isn’t not like I use it. The guy is a great room mate seriously he is so much fun to have around and chill. We flirt and goof around but nothing has happened. I can tell he wants it to though. I’m going to have to have that talk with him about us just being room mates which is going to suck because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
So incase you are completely lost two guys that work with and are kind of friends with my ex are trying to get at me and I don’t know what to do!? One of them I’m kinda in to and one of them I just want as a really sweet room mate but both of them know my ex. And on top of all of that my ex is going around work and telling people things about me like that I’m hooking up with random ass people and shit. Why would Mr. White water even care what I am doing? he broke up with me, he told me I wasn’t worth it so why does he feel the need to go around running his mouth about me?
UGHHH I really don’t know how I managed to get myself into this situation and I feel like a horrible person for it 😦
I know this is going to sound shocking but i have never had one. Yes you read that right, I Alex have never had a one night stand… everyone I’ve hooked up with I have been dating or had feelings for. I have never just taken a random guy home from a bar or where ever, slept with him and never spoken to him again.
But apparently its something every girl should do once… or so my friends say. All this stuff with Mr. Whitewater has really fucked with my head (I’ll tell you about that tomorrow) that I am actually considering doing this. I think, maybe, I don’t know. Something about sleeping with a random guy just for the hell of it doesn’t sound like fun to me. What the fuck are you suppose to do in the morning lol?! What if its awkward? What if he is super small? What if he can’t kiss? Oh man lol the number of things that can go wrong seem endless. If someone could please explain to me what is so great about one night stands I am all ears but I think for right now I’m just going to stick with my vibrator until I find someone I want to date.
It is amazing what a good long run can do for a girl’s thoughts. As you know I have spent the last week locked up in my room crying not eating not and not being social… basically I was in full on dumped mode minus the ice cream. For some reason on Monday though I decided I needed to get out and so I went for a very long run and this is what I realized…
1. I don’t need a guy to make me happy.
- Yes Mr. Whitewater made me so fucking happy all the time. I loved seeing his name pop up on my phone I loved finding random pictures he took on my phone I loved just being around him because I was always smiling and laughing. BUT I can make myself happy to by just getting back to the old me the one who liked to workout and be outside and draw and read and be spontaneous. The girl who could love unconditionally and didn’t have walls that were 1000 feet high. He reminded me how to be that girl again.
2. I am a strong independent woman.
- This whole past week I have felt so small so I don’t know useless maybe. I’m not sure what the right word is… but then I realized I’m not those things. I am human I make mistakes. I got drunk I made bad choices I got emotional it happens to all of us at some point. You know what though for being in my early 20s I’m not doing to bad. I was barely 21 when I moved to this city in a matter of two days and didn’t know a single person to take a job in corporate America that at the time I wasn’t sure I was even ready for. Now two years later I’ve been promoted, I’ve bought my first car, I pay all my own bills and I’m moving into a new condo. I’ve been knocked down so many times, I’ve been told some any times I wouldn’t make it and that my career was a joke and for slackers. Most of my friends moved home after college and still don’t have jobs and they are ok with still living off of their parents. Don’t get me wrong I know things happen and sometimes you have to move home for one reason or another and those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I thought I need validation from a guy but I don’t. I might not get a lot of things right but I live and I learn. It’s nice to have the support of someone and to have someone around to support but if I can’t do it for myself how can I do it for him..?
3. I don’t need to drink so much.
- No but for real my drinking as gotten way out of hand. I mean clearly look what I did to Mr. Whitewater… I would drink to be social or whatever but I would either be sober or blackout for some reason lately I keep skipping over the good drunk. It doesn’t help that when I’m nervous I tend to drink more so that I relax. And when I was with Mr. Whitewater a lot I would get nervous and well yea you saw how that ended. So I’m detoxing in a sense. I’m still going out and having fun just without the drinking which is a good thing because I’m back in the gym so hopefully soon I’ll have my old body back!! Reality check: You can have fun and not be hammered.
4. I need to do things for me and not for other people.
- I guess this is a combination of all three of the other ones. But I’ve noticed lately I’ve been doing things because I thought it would make other people happy. Don’t get me wrong I want to make other people happy but I have to do things for myself as well. I want to get back in the gym for me not some guy. At first I said I was going to stop drink because of Mr. Whitewater but then I realized I wanted to do it for me. I don’t like how I am when I’m blackout. Yes he was the reason I noticed it but I want to change for myself.
5. It is OK to ask for or admit that you need help.
- My biggest two fears in life are failing and not being good enough. I will admit I suck at asking for help and I hate doing it. But I’ve realized lately everyone needs help at some point and it doesn’t make you weak when you ask for help in retrospect I think it makes you stronger. I admitting that I was in the wrong and I admitted that I needed help. Yes I picked myself up and yes I know I’ll be ok but sometimes you need help picking yourself up. I thought it would be a knock to my pride or my ego and I guess to an extent it was but still I see now that it is ok. I am every much the girl that thinks if you can do it I can do it. And that is still true but sometimes doing it means asking for help and that is ok.
So what I have I learned in the past 10 days… That I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy, that it is ok to ask for help, that I need to be who I am not who someone else wants me to be, that I am strong than I thought I was and damn it I learned that it doesn’t matter how many times I get knocked down because I WILL stand back up and I will be ok!
And just like that as fast as it started it is over. Mr. Whitewater ended things because I threw yet another drunken fit. Moral of the story I going to lay off from the drinking for a while…a longgggg while. Because the sad part is I never wanted to push him away I never anted things to end. He was perfect for me, he made me want to be a better person he pushed me outside of my comfort zone but most of all he made me feel safe and cared for, wanted…
This happened Sunday night after the soccer game and it has taken me four days to even try to write this. I didn’t go to work on Monday hell I didn’t even get out of bed. I’ve done nothing but cry and cry and cry. Everything in my apartment reminds me of him. My hoodie smells like his sunscreen, I can’t even look at some of my dresses because they make me think of the time he tried to literally rip my dress off of me during a lunch break hookup session. I haven’t stepped foot on my patio because the last time I was really out there he was so cute and gave me his necklace that suppose to protect you on water. It was so sweet the way he did it and it was the first time he had ever given his necklace to anyone. It is the smallest things right not that just completely undo me. I can’t even go into my pictures on my phone bc there are a bunch of him taking selfies and being dumb. All I can think about is all the things we did together, all the times he made me laugh, gave me butterflies. the time I got back from a trip and it had only been three days and when he opened the front door he just kissed me and I mean really kissed me. He didn’t say hi he just wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. Even though I wasn’t ready for it and had a mouthful of corn dog the kiss still made my knees go weak. and now, now he won’t see me he won’t speak to me, I know he is hurt but he is killing me.
I would give anything for him to forgive me, take me back and let me make it right….
Ok two second update: I swallowed my pride and said I was sorry the other night. He (Mr.Whitewater) told me if I pulled something like that again he was done. He said if we were going to date then i needed to at least try and open up…. I agreed to try. Which leads me to the actually reason I’m writing this today…
Last night a bunch of us had a fire and were drinking and just hanging out. No big deal. We played some game called stump, which involves throwing a hammer up catching it and how ever you catch it is how you have to hold it when you try to hammer someone else’s nail into the stump. Drunk people should not play this game is all I’m saying lol. Anyway Mr. Whitewater had to be up really early this morning so at about midnight or so him and I leave the party. I’m drunk but not hammered just drunk and happy… and horny (go figure).Mind you we had just had sex a couple hours ago when I went home for lunch…
We get back to his place and I strip and just climb in bed, he got the hint. And it didn’t take long before we were having sex. Thats when he flips me on to my stomach, which normally I totally cool with getting it from behind. Next thing I know his hand is in that one place I said I would never let anything go… Naturally I tried to stand up I mean I kinda freaked can you blame it was the first time anyone had ever even tried that! he kept me pinned to the bed and managed to stay inside me the whole time. He whispers in my ear just relax… RELAX are you kidding me!? You are trying to put your finger in my ass and you want me to relax!!!! I give the guy credit though.. he actually got me to relax and next thing I know his finger is in me.
he was sweet about it though. I means sweet as a guy can be when he has his dick in you and his finger in your ass. He asked if I was ok if I wanted him to sot pro keep going. I’m not sure why I said I was fine and agree to let him try it with his dick but I did. Maybe it was alcohol maybe I was just curious maybe he he I trust him more than I realized but regardless of what it was I let him do the one thing I swore I would never let anyone do. Its and interesting feeling to say the least I’m not sure if I like it or not yet. Its different thats for sure. When we finished all I could say for a couple minutes was I feel like you just took my second virginity hahahaha.
Well I can cross another thing off my list I guess.
So I am definitely not the girl that you look at and think yep she is super outdoorsy butttt I did go camping for the first time last week. Not only did I go camping but I went camping with Mr. Whitewater! I seriously had the best time who knew camping was so much fun. The best part though was the tent sex.
So we were all sitting around passing a bottle of Makers smoking hookah and talking, I was sitting between his knees and he was playing with my hair. At some point he reaches around and pulls me into his lap and whispers lets go to bed. He takes my hand and I follow him to our little tent. (Side note: it was kinda hot watching him be all mountain man like, setting up the tent using an ax to chop wood and then building a fire). We get in the tent and he starts kissing my neck. Thats about the point I busted out laughing because we could hear the people next to us having sex! They were not the least bit concerned with not being loud. This kinda ruined our mood not because we could hear them but because I wanted to go stop them from hooking up. Before you judge me and call me a cock block hear me out… the girl in the tent has a boyfriend that lives in Ireland. I know she is super into him but he was blackout drunk and lets be serious when you are that drunk and you want it well there isn’t much stopping you. Anyway Mr. Whitewater said to let them go that they were both adults and knew what they were doing, thats also about the time his hands slide into my shorts. Needless to say I forgot about the other couple pretty quick.
The thing about tent sex is there really isn’t much room so we had to a little creative lol. If any of y’all ever find yourselves in a went having sex the best position is girl on top. Oh yea and put a fan in the tent! So I’m on top of him and we are in this little tent and its raining out basically it was kinda like the movies but sluttier haha! The last time I looked at the clock that night it was 5:30am and that was between rounds one and two. Yea I got next to no sleep but it was so worth it. Also between the rounds we stepped out of the tent into the rain to cool off and yes it was cheesy but still kind of cute… He pulled me into his arms and kissed me really deeply in the pouring rain. Swoon haha. I’m not kidding sometimes I think this guy stepped right out of a movie with some of the things he says and does. So far everything with him is really good but Mr. Cali is still in the back of mind… I might have to vent about that here soon so I’m just going to say sorry now! Until next time..