I was having a conversation a couple weeks ago with a friend and somewhere in the course of the conversation I made a comment about how I feel like the first couple times I sleep with someone that I doubt it is very good because I’m nervous and I don’t want to push the limits to far to fast but I also don’t want to be boring in bed. The conversation quickly turned into talking about what was considered to much and what we think freaks guys out.
I’ll be the first to admit that I probably like freakier stuff then most. I’m ok with having someones hands around my throat (not for long), with being tied up, told what to do, smacked/spanked, toys… I think you get the picture. But it take me a while to feel comfortable enough with a person to actually admit to any of that. Lets be serious guts claim they are ok with all that but I’d say 50% probably aren’t. I asked a couple of guy friends once about it and basically what I gathered was that yea its ok but sometimes it makes the guy feel like you want all of that because just normal sex with him isn’t good enough. I guess I kind of understand that.
I can’t speak for other girls but for me that isn’t the case or at least up until I have never needed that stuff in bed because normal sex was boring. Actually now that I think about it when the normal sex is really good thats when I really want to try more of the Dom/Sub sex. There is something really freeing about being completely submissive to someone. Some of the best orgasms I have ever had are from being barely touched. It’s all about the trust, the trust that he won’t hurt you and trusting that he is going to make you feel amazing. Being blind folded, told to lay on your with your back legs spread and not to move, because if you move it all stops, and you have no idea when, where or how he is going to touch you…. I mean damn. All the anticipation builds up and the slightest touch in the right spot and bam you are done.
I hate not being in control when if comes to pretty much everything but in the bed with the right person giving up that control is amazing. I haven’t had Dom/Sub sex in a while unfortunately. The closest I came was about 6 months ago with Mr. Whitewater. I had hinted that I wanted him to put his hand on my throat while he was on top of me. He literally stops and looks at me and says, “Alex I’m about to become a licensed EMT I can’t not choke you!” My response, “perfect if something goes wrong you will know what to do!” He did n’t find that as funny as I did and it still took him a while to warm up to the idea and we were probably having sex at minimum twice a day at this point. We broke up before we could “try” anything else.
I personally see nothing wrong with some 50 Shades of Gray sex. What about you, what is your take on Dom/Sub?
Well damn… last night was ummm something else to say the least. I decided I needed to get out of a funk so I was just going to start very casually dating. I mean super casual as in lets go grab dinner maybe a drink and talk, no kissing no hooking up just hanging out. That was working out pretty well for me until last night. I have texting this guy for about two weeks but because of our schedules we had yet to met up. I met him on Tinder, go ahead and judge me for that. He got me to swipe right because of his pictures but I was more attracted to him because of what he said to me on tinder. I mean right off the bat he laid it out there that he didn’t really care what i did for a living or where i was from and that he had no intention of having that same boring cliche conversation. He asked me what my biggest fears are, what my passions are, what relationship screwed me up the most and other things along those lines. At first I was like whoa time out thats way to much. but he made a good point if you can’t tell a complete stranger something who can you tell. Next thing I know I am telling him things I don’t tell my friends. It was weird but very refreshing I was so open and honest about what I was saying and oddly relaxed about it. Fast forward about two weeks through on and off conversations and snap chats and we get to last night.
He asked me to go to dinner earlier in the day and I agreed. As it got closer and closer to me having to leave I was debating on bailing. I didn’t I showed up about 15 mins late but hey I went. Now keep in mind this guys knows a lot of personal stuff about me and my sex life. In my defense I never actually thought I would met him. You would think the conversation would be kinda awkward considering everything we had talked about before meeting but it wasn’t at all. We had a great conversation, you never would have guessed it was the first time we had hung out. He kept me laughing and smiling all night long and not the fake laugh and smile but I was actually having a really good time. We went out for drinks after dinner and we continued our great conversation just talking about anything and everything.
One thing we talked about a lot through text and last night was sex. I had already told him I had never had a one night stand and that it wasn’t my thing, hell I told him before we even met for dinner I wasn’t going to sleep with him last night. And he has this I don’t know what you would call it a rule I guess about if he sleeps with a girl on the first night he won’t see her again. Well we get back to my place and I’m sitting in my big over stuffed chair and he is on the couch. At some point he gets up and comes and sits on the chair with me. Did I mention he wasn’t wearing a shirt…OMGGGG he is a fighter/boxer so his body is amazing. I’m talking perfectly cut not to much but definitely cut to perfection. So anyway he is sitting on the chair with me and he was ridding my legs and I was across his back and through his hair while we talked. He leans over and starts making out with me. I was fucking done ha he was such a good kisser. This goes on for I don’t know 20ish mins before he moves me to the couch and climbs on top of me. At this point I am fighting the urge to rip his shorts off. I keep telling myself “don’t be that girl, don’t be that girl”… well you can probably guess what happens…
We end up in my guest bedroom both of us trying really hard not to give in… We gave in and we gave in in spectacular fashion. The sex was seriously some of the best sex I have had in a long time. It was beyond clear that there was a connection there but in the back of my head when we were done I was think fuck did we just screw this up. Mind you at this point its 430 in the morning. I wake up this morning wondering if I would see or hear from him again, by 10am my question was answered… he didn’t ask he told me he was staying with me tonight and that he would see me after work. Now I get to send the rest of the day thinking about round 2 with The Fighter tonight.
Side note: he is the first person in 6 months to completely make me forget about Mr. Whitewater for a night, I’m taking that as a good sign.
Its been almost two months since I’ve written anything and trust me its not because things haven’t happened or because I haven’t been dating. Actually I really don’t know why I haven’t said anything maybe because once I write it that means its true or that I’m admitting that I’m a mess. Lets see where should I begin…
Its been months and I’m still not over Mr. Whitewater, even though he has moved on and is dating some girl with a kid. I only know this because people have told me. for whatever reason his friends like to update me with his life. I don’t know what it is about him or why I can’t just let it go but I can’t. He is a complete ass to me and wants nothing to do with me, he basically just pretends I don’t exist. We weren’t even together that long I should not still be upset or bothered by it. I don’t know if it is because it is this time of year or what but I hate how much he still crosses my mind and how much it still upsets me.
I have also been reminded recently that rebound guys suck ass. I guess it didn’t help that my rebound was one of Mr. Whitewater’s friends. I swear i didn’t do that to get back at him it just kind of happened. I ended when I realized he was a selfish two faced ass hole. Why do guys say anything and everything they can to hurt you? Why do they feel the need to bring up things you told them in private? And why is it as soon as it doesn’t work out with a guy do they start telling people that the reason it didn’t work out was because “you” were crazy?
UGH! I’m just so over guys and dating right now. I say that but in retrospect I want someone around, someone I can talk to about my day, someone to spoil… I want someone who makes me want to do better and be better and all that other cheesy bull shit. Yep thats right I, Alex, just admitted to wanting all of that. Mark this day in your calendars because the odds of my admitting this again are slim to none. I’m just going to use this post like my closure, once I hit publish thats it I’m done being sad about all of this. I need to get back to the old me and stop letting guys get to me like this, no guy is worth this many tears!
My life = a complete mess…
Friday night I went out for a going away party with friends of Mr. Whitewater. It was no big deal he wasn’t there and everyone had a goos time. Most of the night I spent with my best friend just sitting at the bar talking to people. For most of the time the one guy has his arm around my shoulder or on my back. I know him and he knows about Mr. Whitewater and everything else so I really didn’t think twice about it. Well later that night that guy starts texting me asking me to come over and blah blah blah I tell him no and let it go he was drunk. That same night we all go to the strip club and yes i am still with Mr. Whitewater’s friends my room mate and my best friend. Some of them had to work in the morning so I told them they could crash at my place bc it was close. We get back to my place and one of the guys gets in my bed… he has a girl friend I know her I like her he literally just got in my bed to sleep NOTHING HAPPENED!
Saturday night I went backpacking with let’s just call him the Teacher. He also is friends with Mr. Whitewater but I’ve been hanging out with him for a couple weeks now. He knows everything that happened between Mr. Whitewater and I. Anyway the Teacher and I go camping just the two of us. It was a great trip we talked we hung out we had text sex lol I have no complaints about how the weekend went. I get back last night and pass out around 630. By the time i wake up around 10 my room mate is home. I knew this was coming but I still wasn’t trying to have the conversation.
Next thing I know my room mate is lecturing me about everything that has happened in the past two weeks. “Alex what is it you want from guys?” “Don’t you realize what you are doing?” “Don’t you realize all these guys are connected?” “Why can’t you just be happy?” “Don’t you see something wrong with this?” Question after question after question… this goes on for almost 20 mins. Then he brings up the Teacher and goes I really don’t like him and you can do so much better than him but the cherry on top was when he said and I quote, “Don’t let him spend the night over here. I don’t care if you want to sleep at his place but I don’t want him here. If you didn’t like the girl I was seeing I wouldn’t bring her around and I expect the same respect.” WHAT THE FUCK?!? I let it go last night because i was tired of having this conversation. Now as I sit at work and think about it I ‘m super heated.
First of all he has no right to tell me who I can bring back to my own place. He has been there for two weeks and he doesn’t even pay rent, clean up or anything. but he thinks he can tell me who I can have spend the night based on the fact that he doesn’t like him. Umm no try again. This guy has had one girlfriend his entire life, he already admitted to not knowing what it is like to be in love or to get hurt. And he sure as hell has no idea what it is like to have someone tell you that you aren’t worth it. I get it I haven’t made some of the best decisions since Mr. Whitewater and I ended but he has no right to judge me. It would be one thing if I was fucking all these guys but I’m not. Honestly after all of this part of my wants to just end any and all relationships with anyone that knows my ex and just walk away from everything. I’m not blaming anyone I put myself in these situations but I definitely don’t need someone in my ear judging me about them.
God it is almost comical how fast things change. Two months ago I’m a hot mess over a guy (Mr. Whitewater) who I thought was amazingly perfect for me only to find out he was a jackass who didn’t care how bad he hurt me. Now I’m over it for the most part, don’t get me wrong from time to time I still think about him and want to talk to him but I now see his true colors and I understand that he isn’t the guy I thought he was. And now we arrive at my newest boy problem…
When Mr. Whitewater and I broke up he said stay away from my friends. I did but its not my fault that we see them out and they invite us to do things and they come to the things we invite them too. No one is forcing his friends to hang out with me and my friends. Actually they have told me more then once they like hanging out with me more now that I’m not with him. One night a couple weeks ago we are at a house party with some of his friends from work and I’m sitting there talking to one of the guy, no big deal. Nothing happens I pass out a couple hours later. Every day since then I have talked to him. And not only talked to him but we have hung out and hooked up. At first I thought it was just a casual thing but I’m starting to think its more than that now.
Now we arrive at problem number two… I am currently let one of Mr. Whitewaters friends/co workers crash in my second bedroom. He told me he was staying in his car I couldn’t not offer him my spare room isn’t not like I use it. The guy is a great room mate seriously he is so much fun to have around and chill. We flirt and goof around but nothing has happened. I can tell he wants it to though. I’m going to have to have that talk with him about us just being room mates which is going to suck because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
So incase you are completely lost two guys that work with and are kind of friends with my ex are trying to get at me and I don’t know what to do!? One of them I’m kinda in to and one of them I just want as a really sweet room mate but both of them know my ex. And on top of all of that my ex is going around work and telling people things about me like that I’m hooking up with random ass people and shit. Why would Mr. White water even care what I am doing? he broke up with me, he told me I wasn’t worth it so why does he feel the need to go around running his mouth about me?
UGHHH I really don’t know how I managed to get myself into this situation and I feel like a horrible person for it 😦
He isn’t even in my life anymore and Mr. Whitewater is still finding ways to make me miserable. Clearly telling me I wasn’t worth his time energy or feelings just wasn’t enough for him! How could I have been so blind?! he isn’t a fucking man he is a damn child! How could I have been so wrong about someone I thought was so perfect? He was never worth my tears that was for sure. I was willing to do anything to make what happened right, to earn his respect again, to make him happy and he had absolutely no problem trowing me to the curb like it was nothing. The son of the bitch still wears the $100 Hei Matau necklace I bought him though. He literally refused to be civil in any capacity even though we have to see each other and we have the same friends. Hell his friends (the ones he told thought I was crazy) still hangout with me, invite me place and talk to me all the time. They said the day after our big fight he came in telling anyone who would listen to him about it. That is not what he told me though, he told me a couple people saw a “bruise” and he only told them…. fucking liar. Lol he swore he wasn’t like other guys bhaha he swore he was different. But that was just another damn lie because as soon as things got hard he peaced out. I forgot though he is fucking perfect and never makes mistakes!
And guys wonder why girls have issues with them…
KISS MY FAKE TANNED ASS YOU LYING PIECE OF SHIT!
I know this is going to sound shocking but i have never had one. Yes you read that right, I Alex have never had a one night stand… everyone I’ve hooked up with I have been dating or had feelings for. I have never just taken a random guy home from a bar or where ever, slept with him and never spoken to him again.
But apparently its something every girl should do once… or so my friends say. All this stuff with Mr. Whitewater has really fucked with my head (I’ll tell you about that tomorrow) that I am actually considering doing this. I think, maybe, I don’t know. Something about sleeping with a random guy just for the hell of it doesn’t sound like fun to me. What the fuck are you suppose to do in the morning lol?! What if its awkward? What if he is super small? What if he can’t kiss? Oh man lol the number of things that can go wrong seem endless. If someone could please explain to me what is so great about one night stands I am all ears but I think for right now I’m just going to stick with my vibrator until I find someone I want to date.
It is amazing what a good long run can do for a girl’s thoughts. As you know I have spent the last week locked up in my room crying not eating not and not being social… basically I was in full on dumped mode minus the ice cream. For some reason on Monday though I decided I needed to get out and so I went for a very long run and this is what I realized…
1. I don’t need a guy to make me happy.
- Yes Mr. Whitewater made me so fucking happy all the time. I loved seeing his name pop up on my phone I loved finding random pictures he took on my phone I loved just being around him because I was always smiling and laughing. BUT I can make myself happy to by just getting back to the old me the one who liked to workout and be outside and draw and read and be spontaneous. The girl who could love unconditionally and didn’t have walls that were 1000 feet high. He reminded me how to be that girl again.
2. I am a strong independent woman.
- This whole past week I have felt so small so I don’t know useless maybe. I’m not sure what the right word is… but then I realized I’m not those things. I am human I make mistakes. I got drunk I made bad choices I got emotional it happens to all of us at some point. You know what though for being in my early 20s I’m not doing to bad. I was barely 21 when I moved to this city in a matter of two days and didn’t know a single person to take a job in corporate America that at the time I wasn’t sure I was even ready for. Now two years later I’ve been promoted, I’ve bought my first car, I pay all my own bills and I’m moving into a new condo. I’ve been knocked down so many times, I’ve been told some any times I wouldn’t make it and that my career was a joke and for slackers. Most of my friends moved home after college and still don’t have jobs and they are ok with still living off of their parents. Don’t get me wrong I know things happen and sometimes you have to move home for one reason or another and those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I thought I need validation from a guy but I don’t. I might not get a lot of things right but I live and I learn. It’s nice to have the support of someone and to have someone around to support but if I can’t do it for myself how can I do it for him..?
3. I don’t need to drink so much.
- No but for real my drinking as gotten way out of hand. I mean clearly look what I did to Mr. Whitewater… I would drink to be social or whatever but I would either be sober or blackout for some reason lately I keep skipping over the good drunk. It doesn’t help that when I’m nervous I tend to drink more so that I relax. And when I was with Mr. Whitewater a lot I would get nervous and well yea you saw how that ended. So I’m detoxing in a sense. I’m still going out and having fun just without the drinking which is a good thing because I’m back in the gym so hopefully soon I’ll have my old body back!! Reality check: You can have fun and not be hammered.
4. I need to do things for me and not for other people.
- I guess this is a combination of all three of the other ones. But I’ve noticed lately I’ve been doing things because I thought it would make other people happy. Don’t get me wrong I want to make other people happy but I have to do things for myself as well. I want to get back in the gym for me not some guy. At first I said I was going to stop drink because of Mr. Whitewater but then I realized I wanted to do it for me. I don’t like how I am when I’m blackout. Yes he was the reason I noticed it but I want to change for myself.
5. It is OK to ask for or admit that you need help.
- My biggest two fears in life are failing and not being good enough. I will admit I suck at asking for help and I hate doing it. But I’ve realized lately everyone needs help at some point and it doesn’t make you weak when you ask for help in retrospect I think it makes you stronger. I admitting that I was in the wrong and I admitted that I needed help. Yes I picked myself up and yes I know I’ll be ok but sometimes you need help picking yourself up. I thought it would be a knock to my pride or my ego and I guess to an extent it was but still I see now that it is ok. I am every much the girl that thinks if you can do it I can do it. And that is still true but sometimes doing it means asking for help and that is ok.
So what I have I learned in the past 10 days… That I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy, that it is ok to ask for help, that I need to be who I am not who someone else wants me to be, that I am strong than I thought I was and damn it I learned that it doesn’t matter how many times I get knocked down because I WILL stand back up and I will be ok!
My nice new travels a lot for work which is fine because I work all the time but after having an amazing weekend with him last weekend this past weekend was not so amazing…
He was gone thursday-sunday and I did not receive one single text from him. I texted him friday and told him that Bentley (my dog) and I missed him and he didn’t say much back. And then saturday morning at 1:30 a.m. I get a drunken phone call asking about my weekend and that he wants to see me when he gets back sunday. I was really short with him on the phone because he has barely texted me and is calling me so late. He picks up on how annoyed I am and we end the call pretty quick. Sunday comes…no text.
Is it just me or how hard is it to send one little text saying your busy and that you will talk as soon as you can? It sounds likes to me that he needs to be schooled in a world without me in it. Good bye Mr. Nice guy! You treated me well but your communication efforts suck and I don’t have time for it! Am I being too hasty?
Oh well! I guess some free time just opened up for me and my All American bad boy!
I don’t know why I’m blogging right now. I have no clue how to put what I am thinking and feeling into words. Y’all are used to me talking about some crazy sex or a date or a drunk night and here I am second post in a row venting about a break up.. I don’t even know if you can call this venting I think I am just rambling.
I miss him y’all I miss him so fucking much. I didn’t realize how much Mr. White water had gotten to me until he walked away. I never realized how much I needed or wanted him until this week. I never realized how much of the old me he had actually brought back. He inspired me and I didn’t even realize it until my ex girlfriend made a comment about me drawing again. I stopped drawing for the most part after her and I broke up. I didn’t even notice that after he came around I had started drawing again. Other people even notice a change in me. It is weird I was so scared of what I was feeling for him that I didn’t realize how much he was effecting me.
I was being selfish and scared and closed minded even about it because I figured he would do what everyone else did and hurt me. But he didn’t I hurt myself. I was the one that showed up hammered, I was the one that started the fight, I was the one that pushed him when he tried to stop me from driving, I was the one who raised my hand like I was going to hit him, I was the one with the sharp tongue that night. And he took he took it all and never yelled never hit me never did anything but tried to lay me down calm down and not do anything stupid. I’m not a violent person at all. I’ve been knocked around by two different people I know what it is like. I don’t blame being knocked around on my actions but ever since then I do get very defensive very fast even if I don’t have to be. He was never going to hit me I knew that. But I crossed that line I made a seriously fucking dumb mistake and crossed a major line.
He told me he wouldn’t get back with me. He said if this was a girlfriend of yours would you tell her to go back to a guy who did this to her…. the question caught me off guard. My answer was simply this isn’t the same thing. I didn’t show up planning to get violent at all and never in a million years have i ever thought about hitting him or wanting to. No I would not tell any girl to get back into an abusive relationship but this isn’t or well I guess wasn’t an abusive relationship. I wasn’t trying to hurt him I was trying to get away.
I’m not kidding y’all Mr. Whitewater was perfect it was like he stepped out of a movie. And I hate those movies because in my eyes no one is like that and it doesn’t happen like that. But I’m here to tell y’all first fucking hand… there are actually guys out there who are like that. And god dammit it you find one hold on for dear fucking life. They are few and far between but they are there. Im a fucking mess about losing him and we have literally only been hanging out for not even 2 months. I don’t want to eat all I do is sleep or cry and check my phone 10,000 times a day. How could one guy get to me so quick. I’m the girl that swore she would never fall like this again after I ended up heart broken a couple years ago. And then here comes Mr. Whitewater and as cheesy as it sound the guy swept me clear off my feet, I’m talking cloud 9 status. And all I did was fight him every step of the god damn way because I was self and scared.
Question of the year: how did I fuck up something so perfect?
…End of rant/ramble